"holy pink capri's batman" - AvengerBelle

Copied from Myspace blog ..

O yes I forgot I am not normal .. I havent slept in days I cat nap here or there but not enough to keep me sane or healthy obviously because my head hurts and Im just getting aggitated with myself , I try to sleep but it just doesnt work The Dr. gave me pills be do I take them no ... because last time I took one I slept the entire fricken day! and sleeping a whole day ticks me off more then not sleeping does , that makes no sense I know !

and another thing is there some law somewhere that I missed that says when a girl is trying to move on and leave things behinde that every radio station must play every song humanly possible to make her think about all the things she doesnt want to think about ???

I have laid here tossing and turning all night thinking about way to much everything so I will just jot them down I guess..

First there was my father in law who sent me an email for the first time since Ryan and I split up back in Dec .. but this time instead of signing it Dad , like he always has he said Dad Miller that kind of hit hard Ryans dad as been more then just a father in law to me he was a dad to me the dad I always wanted in my life who supported me through even my worst of times when he should have turned his back on me . I guess a divorce changes that I wish he knew what he ment to me because I may not be married to Ryan or with him but I still love dad and I dont want that bond broken but I think it is just going to be that way

Then of course that made me think about my real daddy .. I miss him I have got to make time to call him and check in I have talked to him since the day after he went home from the hospital but I guess in away I still dont know how to talk to my real daddy not like a girl should be able to and that is no good because I want to be able to but I just cant right now because to much is going on and dad is always talking about how proud he is of me .. haha daddy big mistake I am more screwed up then you know . but I cant tell him that I cant disappoint him or let him down .

Which let me to think about my own kids and wonder what they will think of me as they grow into adult I have always lived life with one goal dont disappoint my kids , dont let them down like my parents did me so often just try to be the best you can be but I know that logically I have failed them in more ways then i ever wanted to . I have let them down already in life I wonder if as time goes on they will forgive me for those things , the mistakes I have made .. or will they be 28 yrs old one day wondering why mom was such a screw up

I have sat here thinking about where my life goes now .. where will I end , Its hard learning to be on your own literally for the first time in your life I went from moms house to mine and bos house to mine and Ryans house and I havent really ever learned who I am in this world ... In this life my dreams and my goals my wants in this life time I dont know when that clarity comes .. It seems like many more who are younger then me have already found who they are and where their life is going and here I am approaching 30 and I still just dont know ...

I have been thinking about Jason .. I am doing my best to move on .. well I take that back I have moved on there is no going back but still I miss him I miss how he made me feel how happy I was calm and peaceful everyday I was happy to wake up and I was excited to feel alive again . I worry that I wont find that again . mostly I worry that even if I do it wont last it will fade away and as always in the end I will end up hurt and confused and wondering why and what it is about me .

Which led me to think about today .. I am going out o yes I the anti social one have agreed to go out ! I am excited He is sweetheart and has been nothing but cool and he has 3 kids I talked to the oldest yesterday asked him if he thought I should hang out with his dad LOL he said yes. He also has the most percious lil girl she reminds me of a little doll she is just beautiful . and a 2 yr old lil boy who is to cute and looks like he could get into a little mischife. So later today I will be out and on a journey to see what happens , but of course I am self concious and I am already thinking what if he just doesnt even like me .. it could go horribly wrong and that would really friggin suck .. but then it could go extreamly well and lead to more in time .. I dont know I guess we shall see tomorrow .. hehe

I bet everyone of you who know me are wondering who the Lucky man is .. Good luck trying to figure it out .. and No kimmie and Nadia you cant tell

Damn 3:30am and I am still wide awake I thought writing all this would help me be sleepy but Im not .. no infact its left me thinking Jason needs to friggin stop working and log into myspace so we can talk and fix a few things our last talk did go over so well and i dont like that I dont like anything being left unfixed i havent talked to him in a few days and that is no good for my lil mind I have to make sure we are ok , our friendship is ok and all ummm Im bored .. is it time to go out yet??