Eager to please trying to be what they need but Im so very tired Im down to a whisper.

Does this ever end ? the constant heartbreaks and pain , does it ever stop? How is this happening , how do you go from being completely in love knowing where you belong to feeling as if that love never even exsisted ?

for the last couple months I have felt as if something wasnt right with Eric and I and I kept trying to convince myself I was crazy and insecure I have struggled so much to convince myself of it telling myself I wasnt being fair to him .. when will I ever learn to trust my feelings?

It started the other day well no it started a couple months ago but the other day was the beginning of this event I got a message from my niece sam saying that she was going to Ryans place and Mary would be there I immediatly burst into tears I was angry I was hurt and confused so many emotions as usually there is when it comes to the kids . Eric was out with his kids that day , They moved back here with their mom the weekend of halloween , I had been struggling with that , I have just had this feeling that he was still in love with her , very much in love with her but again I tried to tell myself I was crazy and insecure.

I spent a good 5 or 6 hours crying uncontrollably throwing up sick and all I could do was count the hours until he got home and he would just hold me and tell me it was going to be ok , at least that is what I was hoping for , instead when he came in around 12am he asked why I didnt vacume when I said that I would , that is all I hadnt done was vacume , I had dusted and made the bed ect.

so I just told him you know it would be nice if you would come in and say hi , or how was your day , anything nice instead of why the damn floor hasnt been vacumed Ive only been crying all night wanting you but I see that was a mistake , Later he heard me crying , and he asked what it was I wasnt going to say anything just told him we would talk about it the next day , but he insisted so I showed him a picture of mary that sam had sent me on my phone , and all he did was roll over , he didnt say anything didnt hug me didnt say a word just rolled over . I spent the rest of the night crying myself to sleep.

That was the last we spoke until yesterday morning , when I was laying in bed and just said , it would be so nice if you would speak to me , and he said and saying what . Im like I dont know Hi , how are you feeling hell anything at all would be nice... and that just so then he went back to the damn floor .. the floor that is all he cares about , so I asked him what I could do to make him happy and thats when he said it ..

" I know this is going to hurt , I love you and sometimes I am so glad that you are here , other times I just dont really care that you are here"..

hurt was an understatement .. It felt like the very breath had been kicked out of me my mind tried hard to process it to try to pretend I hadnt heard what I just heard.. but I did and it crushed me

how does that happen saturday I am telling him he is the best thing that ever happened to me and that i loved him and then on monday its different , I wasnt sure if i hated him , or wanted to beg him to take it back , I didnt do either I just cried

what is happening why this , I tried so hard to get him to stay the hell away from me and he wouldnt take no for an answer , if he had then this wouldnt be happening .

I asked him what I could do to make him happy and all he kept saying was that no one could change anything only he could , when I asked him what it was that made him feel this way about me all he basicly said was everything . EVERYTHING ??? I asked him if anything I did made him happy and he said the way you love me the way you care for me makes me happy ... so I just said but that isnt enough?.. all he said was I dont know if its you or if its me

what am i suppose to do now , I have no where to go and nothing left , is this gods way of punishing me he is just damned determined to take everything from me , everything I could possibly love is going to be taken away , bound to hurt me until I just cant take any more till I finally just give up??

There is so much of me that wants to beg him to see this can work the rest of me just doesnt have anything left to fight with im so tired doesnt anyone get that , doesnt this god that everyone talks about get it I am tired so very tired I had finally opened up and trusted him gave my all to him and I knew he would never hurt me I knew I was going to spend forever with him , he was my fairytale .. there is no such thing as happy ever after in reality , god damnit why didnt I just stay away from him why did I have to give in why did I give him the ability to destroy me this way?

he one told me all I had to do to make him happy was to love him to always be honest to never cheat , and I have done that I have given my everything to him , my whole world in his hands I have never lied to him or been dishonest and it wasnt enough , Why isnt my love good enough for anyone , why is it ok for them to kill me no matter what I do or give Im going to be hurt I must make it so easy for them..

I've been debating the better part of the last 2 days on where to post this , On my very public blog which links to my twitter which then links to my myspace to let my friends and family know that I have made a new post . I opted for here where family wont see it most likely . Needless to say they probably wouldn't take kindly to me making this public but to hell with it , Its all about me and writing what I need to get off my chest right?

So the few people that come round here and have known my a while , Well then you may well remember that my mother has a drug addiction problem , she also suffers from great bouts of depression , bi polar , PTSD as well as suicidal Ideatation , however you spell that last word.

Anyhow I have already mentioned that in Aug. I lost my grandmother , my moms mom . This was really hard for my mother , she lost her dad in 04 from the very same cancer that killed my grandmother , my mom lived right upstairs from my grandmother , we all watched the horrible pain and suffering my grandmother went through , and I naturally worried about my mother I knew that this day would eventually come to be , even though I had hoped against hope it wouldnt , after all she held up pretty well at the funeral and for the week I was there after the funeral , though she mostly stayed in the back room with me avoiding as much as she could anything that would remind her that reality was her mother was gone , It was hard for her to even leave her house knowing that she would have to pass her mothers house , She did go in when we were cleaning out nannys house but she never made it pass the living room , unlike me who went right to my nannys room sat down and just cried for I dont know how long.

Ok anyway back to current events , The other night/morning I woke up and just was worried about my mother I missed her and just felt like she needed someone , Last time I was there my sister and her boyfriend and their 2 kids were living with her and I thought that would be good for her , she loves her grand babies. I had posted a status on facebook that I missed my mommy and hoped she was ok . Well I guess that when my aunt read this that she assumed I already had heard that my mother was taken to the hospital the night before by ambulance , She tried to end her own life by over dosing , At first I could tell my aunt was upset , she just assumed maybe this was some accident that she hadnt ment to do it but had just taken to many drugs , But I can say that the time I have been back around my mother I have not once seen her messed up on anything at all , In fact I spent 3 days awake with her while she was in a great deal of pain due to her legs and she has a tumor on her spine I think it is , but dont quote me on it. I however knew this wasnt the case she had done this on purpose she had hurt that much that she just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up , my mother and I are a lot alike in that sense , I know that pain all to well.

I also found out that my mom was being evicted because she was behind in rent and that her power has been off since sept. I dont know why no one told me this . So I asked where my sister was and that is when I was told that my sister was at her boyfriends parents house moving all their stuff in , and to top it off , I was also told that my sister let my mom lay in the floor for 2 days with out doing a damn thing , I havent confirmed this but I am not sure why anyone would make that up .. I mean that is going a little far just to start family drama don;t you think . I did talk to the nurse at the hospital who told me that , My mom is stable and that she would be there for a while , as she can't walk , I am still not sure what is causing that I hope to find out today .

The thing is I know that my mother has done a lot of bad , a lot of bad to me I have never denied that nor does my mother deny it but , she is still my mother and she was very sick and unmedicated back then I know that her family has a hard time understanding why she does the things she does , but I know deep down there is a reason she has done these things in life , People don't keep trying to end their life for no reason , This has been going on since I was a kid , when her and my dad were still married , So im talkimg like 1988 what pain is she hiding from the world that she can't cope with ? She has a lot of regrets about my childhood and all and it isnt made any better by the fact people dont let her forget it , My dads family and my own dad does it to me they always wanna remember the bad , but you know what it happened to me , not them and if i can understand and forgive her then who are they not to do the same , I dont want to be reminded of it all the time either so enough already , what I can tell you is my father has no right , he is no better then she is , he left me in an abusive home with her , he walked away , never looked back and didnt care to , they talk about the fact that my step father molested me and I lied for her took it all back so he could stay in the house , but you know what let me tell you my father knew , he was the first person I told he is the one who took me to Drs and courts and all that but you know what he sent me back home to her , he didnt stop me or fight it now did he ,so he has no room to judge anyone.

I can tell you that while he was away with his new wife and family my mother was all that I had , she was there when I was sick she took me to ERs when I was in horrible pain from my own legs , she was there when I became a woman , When I fell in love when I got my heart broke , when my daughter was in an incubator and I couldnt even hold her except to feed her , she held me as I cried she comforted me . She was there when no one else was so yeah she made mistakes but she was there , where were the others ?? no where to be found .

Yes my mother is an addict , she always will be but she is human , she hurts , and she needs just like the rest of us , and I am not going to turn my back on her just because of that , I dont care how many times she relapses , or tries to kill herself I will be there and no one can try to convince me differently

So now I am working with one of my aunts to try and save her apartment so she doesnt have to move , and a way to get her power back on . I am gonna go down there before she goes home which may be a while and clean everything up and to stay and take care of her for awhile , Thank god I have Eric who knew that is what I would want to do and who offered before I could even ask , He does take such wonderful care of me and I will always be grateful for that . My hero !

I had planned all day yesterday to come on here and make an entry but I just kept putting it off I wanted to put something positive over here just so people wouldn't think I was the crazy lady in town lol . I got side tracked trying to fix my photoshop and trying to get new idea's out of my head and then I ended up talking to Ryan's sister for a little bit then we went to wal-mart then it was time for movie night lol ...

O yeah hey we have movie nights ! it is so romantic last night we watched dark knight which is the very first movie Eric and I seen together , we went last year when I was in florida and it was opening day it made me smile watching it with him again.

Then when we made it back downstairs I really needed to finish my newest project and get it down ( See my new header ) so that I can work on Ryan's sisters wedding pictures today .. so needless to say I am worn out and sleepy its now almost 8am and I have managed a little over 2 hrs sleep in the last 24hrs and that was yesterday around 2pm lol  so any way I promise to come back and update again after I get some sleep .. but then again who would notice if I was updating here mindsay seems pretty dead or is everyone just ignoring me .... yeah im a little paranoid lol

I haven't really been blogging much here the last few days Im still not sure if this is where I belong , or fit in that and I sometimes think maybe Im just not wanted here who knows lol but Im  not going anywhere Im not deleting this again I am keeping it because I know I will still be using it , I am also blogging here , its fairly new .. to me at least but so far I like it. I can chose what entries I want to allow people to answer and all that , and for some reason it feels like im just writting for me here so who knows , so if you wanna read whats there feel free I was just going to copy and paster but I have been up nearly 24hrs and im really to damn lazy to bother with all that.
- Dianne C

So once again I have been going through here and editing or deleting entries Im not getting rid of anything that has to do with the kids or anything just certain people .. people who don't exsist who never did.  anyhow in doing that I am also reading all the entries that have to do with my kids and what I went through .. I came across one just now date April 20th 2008 and I said this .

"I have come to accept it could be a year before my kids live with me again .. Dont bother telling me it wont be that long .. it will i know it will i can feel it they are not coming home soon why should they CPS has 15 months to play head games with my kids before they have to decide.. send them home or terminate rights.. I havent even considered that possiblity but at some point I may well have to."

how right I was in that , I did have to think about it , hell I had to do it .. and how odd is it that I had to do that almost exactly a year after that entry was made , I had to say goodbye to my kids on April 17th 2009..

anyway. I feel really sick this morning , well I have been feeling sick since about 11pm last night my head hurts i feel like i wanna throw up and feel terribly sleepy I swear actually throwing up is better than just feeling like you want to all the time .. so yeah I am off to bed and hopefully to sleep until eric gets home in about 2 hours but then again who am I kidding even if he gets home if I am asleep he wont wake me up he never does , you know even after I was so frustrated with him yesterday .. well no I wasnt frustrated I was annoyed and only because I was really having a down day and really just wanted him to pay attention to me instead of watching tv and all . anyway even though I was annoyed when I think about him I realize what a gift he is to me and how much I really love him and how much he really loves me , haha I am still not use to saying that I know someone loves me it is still such a good feeling..,, ok really I am going to bed before I throw up or something YUCK!!!!